On Pride

Pride is a double edged sword. It can give us great strength and resolve while at the same time make us prone to irrational thought. I am ashamed to admit that my pride cost me something very dear to me quite recently. I seem to excel at driving away the women I care most about.

The universe blessed me with an angel I had been in love with since High School. Initially all was well and we marveled in each others company. Speaking for hours on the phone, texting and emailing all day. I was on cloud nine finally realizing a dream long dormant. The distance between Texas and Seattle was challenging at best.

There were some differences which gave her pause and I did my best to try to overcome them. Unfortunately this is where my pride comes into play. I did not understand her social dynamic. It was foreign to me and try as I may not to looked upon it with suspicion. I won't go into details as that would be a violation of trust, but suffice to say my jealousy took over.

This manifested itself in my coiling back into a defensive posture, and at times saying things I did not truly mean. I would react without thought or consideration much like I would in the intemperance of my youth. It was petty and juvenile and cost me the one woman I have loved longer than any other and prayed would find their way back into my life.

I did not handle the news that she no longer wished to pursue a relationship well. It quite literally incapacitated me. How could I have been such a fool. How could I make the same mistakes of my youth that prevented me from being with her then. It was like I was back in high school. This precious gift that the universe gave me and which I value more than life itself was gone.

She did her best to console me, and tell me I should be proud for not wavering in my value system. Which I must admit is a bit Puritanical. She offered her friendship as the best she was able to do. Again my pride and single minded focus got in the way.

I let her know that while I appreciated her friendship I would always want more. That this was a role I would stumble and fall in often. I've never been good at remaining friends with the women I've been intimate with. In my mind it was a constant reminder that I had failed, and was unworthy of their love.

In my mind I was being honest with her, but I fear it may have cost me any chance of salvaging any relationship with her. It is little wonder that pride is considered one of the seven deadly sins. My pride has cost me more than I can stand to bear. The best I can hope for is that with time she will come to forgive me and see that my love for her is true. Until then I will wait as patiently as I can.

Please don't make the same mistakes I have made. Have faith in those you love and take them at their word. The alternative is devastating.