I'm No Saint

It appears that this blog is becoming more of a space for my on personal therapy session than marketing anymore. With that being said lay myself open to you once again in the spirit of transparency. Some of you will choose to support me, some of you will choose to pity me and yet others of you may choose to leverage this to yours or others' advantage. It is just human nature to do so and I accept that consequence head on. Never been one to back down from confrontation or avoid risk.

The last month or so has been a very revealing look into some of my own character flaws for me. I suppose we all play different roles in our lives and each has its own persona but this goes beyond that. My activity on Twitter has gained me a certain degree of respect and notoriety among some of you reading this for which I am grateful but honestly still a little uncomfortable with. After all who am I?

I am just this guy that loves branding and marketing that is trying desperately to launch not one, but two start-ups in the middle of a recession with no capital. I have a vision of the fashion industry in Seattle I want to share. I have a dream of building my business to the point that I can provide full ride scholarships to my beloved Seattle University. This is the Persona you all know.

Behind that Persona is a man, a man who is as flawed as the rest of us. I don't think I've ever had a truly meaningful relationship. I've said it before I have an independent streak a mile wide. I end up being so hot or cold that by the time the light bulb goes off and I recognize the behavior its too late to correct it. There does not seem to be a middle ground for me. This is an area I am very weak in and desperately wish I could find some balance in. I can't fall back on my old line of, "if the Marines wanted me to have a wife they would have issued me one," anymore.

I can only assume that it stems from my always trying to maintain a certain level of control over my emotions. My friends in high school used to describe me as being half Vulcan and half Klingon. Yes we were Star Trek geeks, so? For the most part I was this calm, in control, logical guy. When released however my emotions would reek havoc and there was no logic. The Marines helped my to learn to channel that much better and increased my level of control. All though re-acclimating to civilian society was a challenge, one I still face over ten years later, it was just another exercise in self-control.

Truth be told despite the confidence I generally portray and the big smile I am truly an emotional wreck right now. Like many others out there I have lost a great deal of what I have worked so many years to achieve. If you only knew what my personal finances looked like you'd think I was insane to put on the happy face. In April I gave my dream car, a black on black SLK320, back to the bank because I could no longer afford it. I now rely on a $90 a month bus pass to get me where I need to go, and occasionally the kindness of friends. The only thing that drives me forward is the vision of where I want my company Stigmare to be five years from now.

Logically I know this will pass and I must focus on what lies before me and not focus on the past. The overwhelming sense of demoralization I feel for having to take a job is crushing. I'm not even going to get into how bad my love life is, though there were some high points. I hope that you all can forgive me for my short comings. I am finding a great deal of truth to the statement, "its lonely at the top." As a CEO you have to be a cheerleader all the time and can't show any wavering in faith. It is draining but worth it in the long run.