On Writing

It's funny, I've never considered myself to be much of a writer yet recently I have found myself writing volumes.  Even in her absence my former lady is still very much my Muse.  In addition to being much more prolific here on my blog I am keeping a leather journal with notes and letters to her.  She's a little upset with me right now, and quite justifiably so.  To keep myself from making things worse when ever I have the urge to text, email or call her I write.  Although a few to many pints the other night did give me the strength of will to call.  Thankfully she didn't answer and I didn't leave a message.  That would not have been good.

I don't know what it is about writing?  For some reason when I write I am far more open and honest with myself.  Maybe its because when I write its more of an internal dialoge than a conversation with someone.  There is a seperation between the reader and I so the insecurity of how will they react is gone.  I'm just able to say what's on my mind good, bad or indifferent.  It's very theraputic I must admit.

It was my writings that first attracted my Lady back into my life.  It was her first glimpse of the man I had become since we last saw each other over 15 years ago.  Imagine my surprise to see a comment from her on a post last year.  She even went on to request that I don't loose the voice I have here on my blog in a letter.  I unfortunately disappointed her in that regard and let the persona rule me.  I regret that more than I can express.

The silver lining is that I am writing more.  More in an effort of self-exploration than anything else.  As much as I would like to believe that my Lady is reading my recent writings and realizing the man she was initially attracted is still in me I cannot let that affect my writings.  I don't know why she would be given her final words to me though.  I really let her down and hurt her.  I will never forgive myself for that.

I hope that my writings have a positive affect on those of you that choose to read my ramblings.  I hope that it gives you the courage to explore those things in you you wish to change.  I hope that by exposing my soft underbelly you will not think less of me.

"Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the days and especially the nights.  The hope that the next time I look upon you it will not be the last." the character Kate from A Knight's Tale.