Fear is a very interesting motivator. It is a primordial survival mechanism that can steal our resolve and make us stronger or paralyze us and make us weaker. Personally the best acronym I have ever heard regarding FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. Our minds are pattern seeking computers, and sometimes when there is key data missing it will fill in the gaps and not always with the most logical of information.
I found an interesting article on the topic of fear on the Psychology Today website. The title struck me quite profoundly, "Living in Fear versus Living in Certainty." I have for the most part tried to do my very best to do the later of the two. Though I am still human and fall short of perfection and must admit I have on occasion let fear guide my actions. I highly recommend you read the article.
The overall premise of the article is that it is attachment which causes fear. Very apropos given I am a huge sci-fi fan and as soon as I read this I remembered a scene from Star Wars. A young Anakyn is standing before the Jedi council and Yoda senses his fear of loosing his mother. Amazing how accurate Yoda's words are, "Fear leads to jealousy, jealousy leads to anger, anger leads to hate." In another scene a much older Anakyn seeks Yoda's council on his fear of loosing "someone." Yoda's words this time were to, "train yourself to let go of all you fear to loose."
Fear is why a great many of us resist change. Ironically change is one of the few constants in life. I know that my former lady had many fears with regard to us. She feared that I some how wanted to change her when nothing was further from the truth. She feared that she would some how tarnish my polished reputation. She feared that I would not fit into her social circle which she deeply cherished yet never afforded me the opportunity to meet those she called phamily. She feared that somehow the unreasonably high standards I set for myself would be imposed upon her children. I was never able to dissuade these fears, try as I might.
A great example of this is when she came out to Seattle. I remember the phone call we had where she was so concerned about what to wear on her trip. Try as I might to let her know that I didn't care I just wanted to spend time with her she persisted. I finally gave in and suggested a few things I had seen her wear in pictures. She was so concerned about how my reputation would be affected if she was not dressed appropriately. I could really give a damn because if someone thought less of me because of her they weren't someone I would want to associate with anyway.
What was really comical was watching her in a panic when she couldn't find the slacks she had packed and only had jeans to wear. I don't normally wear denim, I have this perverse notion its unprofessional. However, knowing that she does I did bring a pair of jeans with me and was ready to change into them so she would be more comfortable. Before I could do so she found the slacks and all was right with the world. I wish I knew where this fear in her came from. I struggle with the fact that I could not find the right words to overcome it. Don't let your fears rule you. Remember...
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Steven,
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing about fear is huge. And yes, I think it is a very strong motivator.
The title of the Psychology Today blog post says it all. "Living in Fear versus Living in Certainty." Because, the way I see it, the biggest part of fear is the unknown. Somehow, when we don't know what is going to happen, how things are going to turn out, that can be scary.
Your friend is very doing all the what-if thinking. And that's natural and normal. What if his friends don't like me? What if I wear the wrong thing? What if my kids don't respond to him? "Slightly neurotic" is part of the description in my Twitter profile, so I get this. I really do.
When I left teaching, I wondered what would happen if I fell on my face as a writer. I worried that my mom wouldn't understand my decision and she would think I was foolish, letting go of such a secure job. I thought about what would happen if I couldn't pay the rent. And it all boiled down to a fear of the unknown.
Finally, when I realized that I had encouraged by own child—and my students—to be risk takers, I knew it was time to take my own advice.
I like your suggestions in the last line: Don't let your fears rule you. Because all those what-ifs in your head won't possibly come true. And if some of them do, it isn't the end of the world. You won't DIE or anything like that.
Nice, thought-provoking post, Steven.