On Perception

It's funny how two people can look at the same piece of art for example and see completely different things.  Our education, background and experiences all shape how we perceive things.  As the saying goes perception is reallity.

When my Lady made the decision that she no longer wished to have a romantic relationship I went into salesman mode.  In sales 'No' just means you haven't answered a question, filled a need or shown enough value to get the 'Yes'.   Like any good salesman I began to do my due dilligence.  I combed through her blog to find anything that would help me to understand her wants, needs, desires as well as fears and insecurities.

Once I thought I had a better understanding of some of these things I went into product differentiation.  I presented my case in the best way I knew how about why I wasn't like the men that had hurt her.  I tried to reassure her that my feelings were genuine and not a flight of fancy.  I even cited verbatum her own words and outlined why she would never have these concerns with me, and that I wanted to be the one to give her the peace and joy she sought.

What I perceived to be positive affirmations of my feelings for her and my genuine interest in her long term happiness were not taken as such.  From my Lady's perspective these were cruel attacks and evidence I did not have her best interests at heart.  You have no idea how painful it was for me to hear that.  Here the woman I love more than anything in this world considered my behavior to be thoughtless cruelty.  I wanted to crawl under a rock in shame.

Needless to say that she isn't to thrilled with me.  I can't undo what I did, I can only attempt to reassure that there was no malice intended.  Unfortunately her perception is my reality.  I don't know what it is about my analytical nature that makes me do things in this manner.  Everything is a problem to be solved, objections to be countered, a goal to achieve.  While in business these are assets they have strained too many relationships.

As such I reside in a prison of my own making.  Sentenced to an existence of continuous self-reflection and abscence from her.  I have made a choice to remain celibate until we reconcile.  Many have questioned that choice and expressed their concern that I should move on.  In the past I probably could have done that in time, but this is a different situation entirely.

Maybe I'm just an old fashion romantic and believe that love can conquer all.  Maybe I'm just a masacist intent on punishing myself. Either way I am still hopelessly in love with her and cannot dishonor that with infidelity.  Regardless of whatever path she takes.  I pray you do not think less of me for that.